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After I missed the Christmas party last week, my coworkers came up to me to check in whether I'm doing any better and seemed happy when I told them that the weekend helped a lot. The other day I had a meeting because stuff was piling up on my desk and my other coworker advocated for me to the others. Last week I called the customs office because I messed up and worried that an order would arrive while I'd be away for christmas time. The office worker didn't know quite how to help, but he asked me for my e-mail address and told me he'd contact me when my order arrives. Today I got his e-mail. It was pretty informal and sweet. Earlier my coworker called me to explain to me how a new process I took up to make things easier for her actually didn't need to be that way, and while she really appreciated the meticulous work, she didn't want me to have unnecessary extra work.

God, work just won't let up. It's only mounting up and up and up. It's getting so much, people are getting on my case, everything just gets more and more. Yesterday one of my colleagues vented a lot to me and it felt good, and today I almost started crying at someone in frustration because he just kept suggesting doing extra work at me. Yesterday work had a christmas celebration and I was excited to go, but in the end my brain was just too soup. I had to go home instead and relax a little. I'm so, so glad it's finally the weekend. I'm very ready for the holidays.

At the very least art has been fun. Since I got heavier into a painting art style, my relationship to drawing has changed a lot. I'm doing messy colour sketches now, draft sketches are getting explosive and very shape focused now. I get hung up on details less, and enjoy the imperfections a lot more. It's actually been occuring more and more that I want to draw for the coloring process, instead of being idea/concept-driven first, colors second. A new joy side of art has been opened up to me, and it's been so, so delightful. I love art. I really, really do.

Ohhh my stomach feels so bad. I don't even know what's wrong with it right now. Just feels bad. But I'll live. I think.

Last weekend I went to see my parents and had a shitty family get together. After talking to a friend I realized I don't really know anything about my familial peers anymore. They're mostly just "cousin who now owns an apartment", "cousin whos finishing his masters", etc. That day I mostly learned about their milestones and it made me feel shitty, but realizing that I don't know much about them anymore kind of recontextualizes all that knowledge. Maybe I'm not as successful as them. But who cares.

I'm quite happy not really being in touch with most of my extended family anymore. I used to be somewhat close to them, but that went away a long while ago. Home life was never good and they never made it better. Nowadays I'm on great terms with my aunt whom I love dearly and we're always excited to see each other. But her children/my cousins are barely of interest to me, even though we used to be kinda close. Person I get along best with is my cousins bf, who is a pretty fun guy. We bonded years ago over playing Overwatch and though our tastes diverged a lot after that, we still have great rapport. I promised to get him some company gifts and in turn he'll get me some too. I'm really looking forward to it.

I don't really interact with my brother much anymore either. I used to be crazy over having an older brother, but as life went on I realized he didn't give a shit about me. And now I'm adult, he has a family, and suddenly he cares again. But I really wish I didn't have to see him at all. I don't like being around him. I feel a bit bad about it, because it directly reflects in how I don't really have a relationship with his daughter/my niece either. I was never good with children and especially not with the kid of the guy whom I see twice a year. She's a bit scared of me and I understand. I'm really not good at communicating with her so I guess that'll just be my lot in life. She'll be fine without me.

Work has been soooo ass and continues to be a drag. I really want to ask for a pray raise come January. That'd be dope.

Work has been kicking my ass sooooo much lately. I've been getting tons of new responsibilities and it's really tiring trying to keep up. But I think I'm finally getting to a point, where I got all my ducks in order... Just gotta do some more clean up work next week. Work has been leaving me so tired every day and it's making me realize how short on free time I am despite doing home office 4 times a week. I've been wanting to finally code more all week, and only got to it around now... Usually my time after work is spent on doing a little bit of work out, maybe gaming an hour or two and then drawing until I go to sleep. It feels all so short. I want more time for myself.

Been also battling bureaucracy lately because I need papers for my London visit next year. Getting an appointment for that in a timely manner was worse than when I tried PS5 hunting... Had to constantly refresh, quickly grab and then lose timeslots when they became available. It was always a matter of seconds. But today I finally managed to do it, wahey

Been a while since I posted. Work recently has been kind of ass as I'm taking on more responsibilities and kinda struggling with juggling them all. But I think I'll be fine. I now have a different manager to report to which is a shame, because I liked my previous boss a lot, but also I know my new one already and he's pretty cool too. But yeah, work has me fully focused and it's kinda tiring. I loved goofing off during work time but oh well.

On tuesday I went to see the Fall Out Boy concert in Hamburg, but I already made a blog post about that. Ever since that day I've been feeling really good. I'm enjoying their music even more. It feels very good. I've been checking out their music videos also, and so far I gotta say my favourite has to be Irresistable.

I was meaning to write more but I kinda forgot what to write, I guess. Been playing a lot of Fate/Samurai Remnant. Definitely up there with my favourite Fate entries. I'm a total sucker for Rei Watarus art. Apart from that... Money situation has been tight lately, but I'm hoping it'll get better soon. Gotta spend less on frivolties I guess.

Returned home last friday and workers still weren't done with the place. The entire kitchen was empty. Right now it's only partially furnished, but my guess is they finish the place up tomorrow. It wouldn't bother me so much if all the kitchen stuff wasn't taking up the entire living space. And the kitchen not being useable also meaning that we have to spend stupid amounts of money for readymade food. Hate this shit.

We had spent the last two weeks at my parents. It was nice. My mum really got into it and tried out different drinks with me. By the end she was heartbroken that we left again. It's odd seeing her so earnestly attached, but also sweet. Emma was also super clingy and it was cute until one night she woke me up because she wanted pets lol. But I still couldn't be mad at her. I just gave her all the cuddles she wanted.

Our place looks like shit and it's honestly leaving my mood in the dumps. I had preordered the collectors edition for Fate Samurai/Remnant and it arrived while we were gone. Despite me arranging for the package to wait for my return, the package company sent it back. So I had to reorder it. I'm really bummed out about it because I was really excited to play it once we've returned.

Also I'm continuing to draw a lot. Been putting more effort into coloring quicker, doing color sketches, and overall just improving my color technique and it's SO much fun. I love doing color sketches especially. I guess you can liken my current technique more to proper (digital) painting? And it's definitely increasing my fun I've been having with drawing. Every day I look forward to drawing in the evening.

Also I'm getting my tattoo finished today. Yay!.

Construction workers have been working on our apartment for like, a week now? And soon we'll have to move out for a bit so they can work on our apartment. Homeoffice sucks when they're hammering and drilling 9 hours a day. It's seriously grating and often completely tanks my mood.

This week the acrylic standees of Yan and Moirai I ordered arrived and it was the most humiliating experience. I had to unpack them in front of the customs guy and had to explain to him that they're just little plastic standees. And that I indeed paid 140€ for them. When I told him you can only get them in a restaurant in SK he started laughing and honestly? I deserve that humiliation. He recognized the Library of Ruina logo and mentioned he heard that a new game of theirs came out and I said yeah. Which REALLY took me by surprise. Either way, I got them now and it was the worst possible financial decision I've ever made. I plan to make another such in January.

Also my work contract got renewed, yippie!! I remain employed for another year

Ghostpia dev started following me on twitter and retweeted my tweet calling Ghostpia a yuri. Win

Last week I took part in a company celebration and it was super fun. It made me realize how much I enjoy and adore my coworkers. It's a shame they're dropping out of the company like flies due to bad management, but I'm still glad to have them around.

I finally got my tattoo! Yay! It was much less scary than anticipated. The artist was super sweet and cool. The pain was no big deal either, I managed to tune it out easily pretty quick. overall the appointment took 3 hours, 2.5 were dedicated to doing the tattoo. It's not finished yet, but the majority is taken care of. All the outlines got done, so it already looks really good and presentable despite being unfinished. Currently I still have protective skin over it so it looks really shite. But I'm going to remove it later today and then finally get to grooming and cleaning it.

Waugh, life, am I right? I basically didn't do anything on this website all August. It's just that vacation was kind of shite and my humors have been all off since and I just couldn't bring myself to do anything on here. Not sure if I'll return to normally scheduled stuff, but we'll see.

I made an appointment for getting a tattoo, but I booked it before I had all the details figured out... It's my first tattoo, so there were a lot of things I didn't think of. The appointment is next week, and I'm stoked for the image I'm getting. But I'm still very, very nervous about it. Oh man. I hope all goes well.

It's 9am and I'm hungry. I should prolly do something about that.

Having a VERY odd day today. Tomorrow we will be leaving for vacation, which is already pretty stressful because there are still so many things left to do. But I'm also set to go watch Barbie with friends tonight, because I want to give one of them her birthday present. Because it takes almost 2 hours to get there, I'll need to leave right after work, and right after the movie finishes I'll have to take the train back. And I still have to pack and prepare for tomorrow, ugh.

Yesterday stuff happened at work that led to a couple of people sending me very sternly worded e-mails. And very rudely ones too. One from a higher up as well. None of my direct higher ups were there, so I had to struggle until today. It left me very stressed after work last night with a lot of anxiety. Today I explained everything to the boss first thing, and he was very kind about it. Told me I handled it well and that he'd take over. Which was very nice... But still has me on edge.

There's also the matter with Project Moon happening right now. The world of PM is very dear to my heart. I love the way the team handles writing gender and other world views, so I hope they will not cave. I hope the team will be okay and that the threats will be over quick. I'm very worried for them.

Contributing to the weird odd day is the fact that I managed to grab tickets for the Nier concert in february for me, bf and a friend. Pretty good seats as well! I'm stoked it went down so smoothly without any problems. These ticket sales are always hell.

The rest of the week will continue to be stressful. I'll be attending a wedding in a language I do not speak. There's a lot of traveling involved, shopping trips still to be done, etc. .... Afterwards we'll continue traveling for the proper vacation. I'm looking forward to that, but it'll be a struggle getting there. Oh well

Stuff has just kind of been happening or not. Nothing much or special. I've been feeling better about myself because I got myself a new shirt to make me feel good. I also got my hair cut. Overall I just feel better about presenting myself. Also bought clothes for the wedding and it's been giving me new confidence. I enjoy dress shirts, so maybe I'll do more of that.

Bills have been tumbling in and it's a bit stressful, but it's whatever. I think. It's just been a pretty pricy month, I guess, so I'll be fine. Still a bummer to think about.

I'm kind of feeling a bit down in the dumps, it's that specific depression feeling where I don't feel sad, just don't have the energy for things. All is meh. But I'm sure that'll be fine soon too. There's always times like these.

Spent the entire last week at my parents babysitting Emma. It was fun! I always enjoy having the entire house just to bf, me and the dog. We initially hoped we'd spend the hot days there, with their pool and all, but turns out it was raining the entire week lol. Thats okay though. I'd rather have a mild and rainy vacation than a way-too-hot summer. The entire week was pretty chill, but I have this annoying tendency to get super introspective as soon as I'm anywhere close to the mindset of vacationing. This time it led me down the alley of gender dysphoria.

I spent a day catching up with friends and it was nice, but I got weirdly aware of how the world perceived me. I started to feel so out of place and bad about myself. I'd been working hard on how people perceive me, and for a while it worked. But then it didn't. I tried to erase all sense of femininity, then tried to channel the femininity into lolita as a hobby, and eventually my relationship with femininity kind of healed, and I didn't detest it so anymore. So I got comfortable. But now I'm uncomfortable again. I guess what frustrates me the most is that people will always see me as "that (AGAB)". No one sees the work I put into presenting myself. No one sees my masculinity. Only my attempts to approximate it from the point of my AGAB

It didn't help that I continued reading "Welcome back, Alice", which is a phenomenal work, but also touches on topics with a terrifying accuracy. The intertwining of sexuality and gender really resonated with me, but also got me really depressed about my own body. I don't think I can ever have the body I want. Whenever I think about getting changes, my own mind starts hitting me with a stick. "Oh, you're thinking of getting a packer, but you don't want bottom surgery? What do you want it for, then? To be some kind of sex freak displaying a package you don't have? Be disgusting in public?". Of course this isn't how I think about people, but it's what my own mind likes to put me through. It's frustrating. I don't like the idea of fully transitioning, I'd like to just be able to have a body however I want whenever I want. I want to carve my body the same way potters form, mold and cut their works. But complete control is something I will never have.

To alleviate my feelings a little I decided I'd try to buy more masc leaning clothes and more gothic fashion again. I think those will help me at least somewhat. Those represent me better. A shirt arrived yesterday and it already makes me excited to wear it. I hope I can continue down this path and make me feel more okay with my body again.

At least it helped my mental health that Emma was there. She was so cute and so clingy this time around. She is always adorable and I love her really loving personality, but this time she went even harder on that. Spent every night pressed to the side of the bed I was sleeping in and constantly honing in on me for cuddles. Emma made me feel so loved with every glance she gave me. Everytime I petted her, she immediately relaxed so much and just cuddled to her full delight. It was so healing to be around her. Emma will always see me as me. And that makes me happy.

In other news, a whole bunch of packages decided to arrive while I was gone. One of them included the aforementioned shirt. Another package held my first Miku figure and the Tiz pop up parade figure. I also received a package from South Korea containing HamHam PangPang merch! I got those acryl standees I wanted, and the seller also included a cute transparent card of Samjo in the green soup + a little cute summer artwork of Yan and Esther. I may not have gotten Yan as a guest, but seeing these cute goodies included made me really happy :)

Brain worms continue to overtake my mind as I wrestle with my feelings for Limbus Company and my feelings for my OCs. I took my time with Canto IV for the first two updates, but yesterday I had to do everything in one go because man. Wow. Insane chapter. It had some really, really interesting thoughts. I loved Samjos arc, and Dongrang turned out to be a really compelling character. I didn't like him in the beginning because he was getting really annoying with his funny banter bits, but I knew it'd be recontextualized come the end of the chapter. And boy did it. I really, really feel for him, Dongbaek and Yi Sang too. The chapter explored in really interesting ways how the purest intent can and will be abused by capitalism. It was heartbreaking to follow, especially at the end. But I'm glad it ended on this really positive note of Yi Sang finally rediscovering himself. I'll be listening to "Fly, my wings" up and down for the next 10 weeks.

Today I also finally took the opportunity to follow up on a medical procedure I absolutely need. My jaw is severely misaligned, but when I learned about that a couple of years back I just didn't have the money to take care of it. It'll involve a years long elaborate treatment, that, despite being covered by my insurance for the majority of it, still is gonna set me back a couple grands. If all goes well I can finally start this before my joints get worse. I used to have a really bad time with grinding my teeth way back when, but it eased up a lot when my living situation got better. Now it only bothers me occasionally physically, but I know the clock is ticking for me. So I gotta deal with this. But first comes, of course, a boat load of bureaucracy.

Had a pretty good weekend! We went to the city to view the apartment that was offered to us. It was a pretty tempting offer because the apartment looked really good and is in a neighbour I really wanna move to. But unfortunately, we don't really have the means for it. Afterwards we went to the anime+manga store and I picked up "Wenn die Blüten Trauer tragen", a yuri work by tokuwotsumu that hasn't been licensed into english. I had already read it prior as a digital copy, but I loved it so much I wanted to pick up the physical too. It came with a cute post card as well! I also picked up the first volume of Victorias Electric Coffin, which I also had read be fore, and was also enamoured with. What I didn't know when I picked it up was, that it came with a really pretty poster of the cover! I immediately hung it up on the wall. I also wanted to get sunglasses with corrective lenses and thanks to my insurance I only had to pay 9€ for them overall. I still gotta wait for them to arrive, but I'm excited I got them so cheap!

Sunday was neat and uneventful. I spent the entire day drawing tbh. We spoke to some neighbours by chance and that was neat as well.

It's getting really warm these days. It's still bearable in the below 30°C range. We haven't had rain in a while so it's not disgustingly humid either, at least. Not that no rain is a good thing however. I went in for work yesterday and gotta go tomorrow as well and I'm not really looking forward to it. I'd rather stew at home in the heat.

It's weekend, yaay. I'm still kind of in this weird depressive mood where everything in my sight just seems kind of gloomy. Depressed jokes kinda come to me now and I wish I wasn't blurted them out like that. I still feel pretty irritable as well. Everything sets me off for some reason. Last week while playing in my weekly pathfinder group my misophonia got really bad due to all the small noises happening and I had to take a break mid-session to get myself grounded again. Kinda worry about it tonight, but I'm sure I'll be fine.

We finished playing Library of Ruina two days ago and I'm still mulling over the ending. I'm not sure if playing LoR accelerated my depression or is helping with it. Either way, overall it was a very impactful game. I loved every single moment of it. Been listening to the soundtrack up and down as well as getting lost in the artbook and getting inspired for my own art.

It kinda makes me wish that Limbus Company wasn't a live-service game so we could have another single player game. But I'm enjoying Limbus Company a lot too! I'm still in the middle of the second part of Canto IV, and I'm really liking the release schedule of cutting it into parts. Makes it easier to get through everything in a timely manner to avoid spoiler talks. However all these combat stages are starting to get tiring.

I've also been deep into reading Distortion Detective (you can guess from the homepage), and man. Moses, whew. Moses/Dias WHEW????? This feels like it was target oriented directly at me. I've been losing it over this one Nishikuji artwork of Dias. Like, WOOF??? Idk who I'm having more the hots for. Distortion Detective is A LOT of fun and I'm really sad I'm almost finished with it. Really looking forward to the proper game.

I guess ProjMoon games are keeping me really occupied which makes it easier to disregard my funny mental state. I just keep directing it to their games or my fan OCs. It's been helpful off-loading some of my feelings and experiences to my personal fictional proxies. I'm really grateful for ProjMoons games. However, I think I'm about to make a bad financial decision. I really want an acrylic set from their cafe, but it's gonna cost some dosh. I'm a bit worried about the random element in this purchase, but ultimate I'm just hoping for the best. Kinda wish they had DD merch too but seems like there isn't any yet. Until then, I'll be patient.

It's getting really hot nowadays, not really looking forward to the heatwave. But I have a beer cooled and fridays are always shorter work days, so right now I'm just enjoying a chill friday afternoon with a cold one.

We finally got an offer for an apartment viewing, but at this point I only have a couple months on my contract left. The apartment is pretty small and kinda expensive too. We probably won't go for it, but we'll go view it on the weekend.

Finished my rework of the website and I'm glad!! Not quite sure whether I'm 100% satisfied with how it turned out, but oh well. I still like it and it feels more true to myself. I'm proud because instead of using layouts I hobbled everything together myself. It's been a lot of fun.

Overall I'm kinda feeling ( ´_ゝ` ). Been having crazy fun working on my OCs, but sometimes I wonder if I'm getting annoying with my obsession with PM stuff. Idk suddenly I got struck by doubt today. Just overall I'm feeling kinda unbearable. I wonder if it's still me experiencing the effects of messing with my meds. It's just a very 灰色水曜日 I guess. A lot of "I guess"s. Next week I'll finally see my doc and talk about it with him. Until then I'll just continue coasting along

Last couple of days have been ass. I thought it would be a good idea to cold turkey on one of my medicine and now I'm experiencing the consequences for it. There wasn't even a real reason for me to do this. I've been ta king these pills for the better part of 3 or 4 years and they've been nothing but a blessing. But my doctor kept bringing up the possibility of taking me off of them, just so I don't have to take medication for forever. I was against it but then I thought, why not? And here I am. I feel so nihilistic and full of bile. Everything is setting my mood off. Yesterday the coworker I loathe called to scold me and I did the thing that's closest to snapping for me. I didn't say anything I regretted, but I stood my ground and really didn't feel like dealing with her shit. Somehow the call ended pretty quickly and my mood was extra ruined for the rest of the day.

I've also been dealing with a bit of a depression, I guess. I don't know. I just feel like I'm in a bad place right now. I'm hoping to get my medicine refilled tomorrow. And in two weeks I have my routine check up with my doc.

The long weekend I didn't spend playing Zelda like I expected. Instead i spent a lot of time working on our Fixer OCs together with BF. They're coming along nicely, I'm really in love with them. It's a ton of fun working on them every day.

In better news, I got the dress problem resolved pretty easily. There were cords I didn't see for tightening it. So the size is no longer an issue. We also picked up this huge shelf from the curb-side. It takes up a lot of space in our tiny apartment, but I finally have a proper place to display my figs and my artbooks too. I'm excited to fill up the shelf in the coming days.

Today we also got the first part of Chapter 4 for Limbus Company! I already played a little. I really missed the sinners. I'm excited to see where this is heading.