Last week I took part in a company celebration and it was super fun. It made me realize how much I enjoy and adore my coworkers. It's a shame they're dropping out of the company like flies due to bad management, but I'm still glad to have them around.
I finally got my tattoo! Yay! It was much less scary than anticipated. The artist was super sweet and cool. The pain was no big deal either, I managed to tune it out easily pretty quick. overall the appointment took 3 hours, 2.5 were dedicated to doing the tattoo. It's not finished yet, but the majority is taken care of. All the outlines got done, so it already looks really good and presentable despite being unfinished. Currently I still have protective skin over it so it looks really shite. But I'm going to remove it later today and then finally get to grooming and cleaning it.
Waugh, life, am I right? I basically didn't do anything on this website all August. It's just that vacation was kind of shite and my humors have been all off since and I just couldn't bring myself to do anything on here. Not sure if I'll return to normally scheduled stuff, but we'll see.
I made an appointment for getting a tattoo, but I booked it before I had all the details figured out... It's my first tattoo, so there were a lot of things I didn't think of. The appointment is next week, and I'm stoked for the image I'm getting. But I'm still very, very nervous about it. Oh man. I hope all goes well.
It's 9am and I'm hungry. I should prolly do something about that.
Having a VERY odd day today. Tomorrow we will be leaving for vacation, which is already pretty stressful because there are still so many things left to do. But I'm also set to go watch Barbie with friends tonight, because I want to give one of them her birthday present. Because it takes almost 2 hours to get there, I'll need to leave right after work, and right after the movie finishes I'll have to take the train back. And I still have to pack and prepare for tomorrow, ugh.
Yesterday stuff happened at work that led to a couple of people sending me very sternly worded e-mails. And very rudely ones too. One from a higher up as well. None of my direct higher ups were there, so I had to struggle until today. It left me very stressed after work last night with a lot of anxiety. Today I explained everything to the boss first thing, and he was very kind about it. Told me I handled it well and that he'd take over. Which was very nice... But still has me on edge.
There's also the matter with Project Moon happening right now. The world of PM is very dear to my heart. I love the way the team handles writing gender and other world views, so I hope they will not cave. I hope the team will be okay and that the threats will be over quick. I'm very worried for them.
Contributing to the weird odd day is the fact that I managed to grab tickets for the Nier concert in february for me, bf and a friend. Pretty good seats as well! I'm stoked it went down so smoothly without any problems. These ticket sales are always hell.
The rest of the week will continue to be stressful. I'll be attending a wedding in a language I do not speak. There's a lot of traveling involved, shopping trips still to be done, etc. .... Afterwards we'll continue traveling for the proper vacation. I'm looking forward to that, but it'll be a struggle getting there. Oh well
Stuff has just kind of been happening or not. Nothing much or special. I've been feeling better about myself because I got myself a new shirt to make me feel good. I also got my hair cut. Overall I just feel better about presenting myself. Also bought clothes for the wedding and it's been giving me new confidence. I enjoy dress shirts, so maybe I'll do more of that.
Bills have been tumbling in and it's a bit stressful, but it's whatever. I think. It's just been a pretty pricy month, I guess, so I'll be fine. Still a bummer to think about.
I'm kind of feeling a bit down in the dumps, it's that specific depression feeling where I don't feel sad, just don't have the energy for things. All is meh. But I'm sure that'll be fine soon too. There's always times like these.
Spent the entire last week at my parents babysitting Emma. It was fun! I always enjoy having the entire house just to bf, me and the dog. We initially hoped we'd spend the hot days there, with their pool and all, but turns out it was raining the entire week lol. Thats okay though. I'd rather have a mild and rainy vacation than a way-too-hot summer. The entire week was pretty chill, but I have this annoying tendency to get super introspective as soon as I'm anywhere close to the mindset of vacationing. This time it led me down the alley of gender dysphoria.
I spent a day catching up with friends and it was nice, but I got weirdly aware of how the world perceived me. I started to feel so out of place and bad about myself. I'd been working hard on how people perceive me, and for a while it worked. But then it didn't. I tried to erase all sense of femininity, then tried to channel the femininity into lolita as a hobby, and eventually my relationship with femininity kind of healed, and I didn't detest it so anymore. So I got comfortable. But now I'm uncomfortable again. I guess what frustrates me the most is that people will always see me as "that (AGAB)". No one sees the work I put into presenting myself. No one sees my masculinity. Only my attempts to approximate it from the point of my AGAB
It didn't help that I continued reading "Welcome back, Alice", which is a phenomenal work, but also touches on topics with a terrifying accuracy. The intertwining of sexuality and gender really resonated with me, but also got me really depressed about my own body. I don't think I can ever have the body I want. Whenever I think about getting changes, my own mind starts hitting me with a stick. "Oh, you're thinking of getting a packer, but you don't want bottom surgery? What do you want it for, then? To be some kind of sex freak displaying a package you don't have? Be disgusting in public?". Of course this isn't how I think about people, but it's what my own mind likes to put me through. It's frustrating. I don't like the idea of fully transitioning, I'd like to just be able to have a body however I want whenever I want. I want to carve my body the same way potters form, mold and cut their works. But complete control is something I will never have.
To alleviate my feelings a little I decided I'd try to buy more masc leaning clothes and more gothic fashion again. I think those will help me at least somewhat. Those represent me better. A shirt arrived yesterday and it already makes me excited to wear it. I hope I can continue down this path and make me feel more okay with my body again.
At least it helped my mental health that Emma was there. She was so cute and so clingy this time around. She is always adorable and I love her really loving personality, but this time she went even harder on that. Spent every night pressed to the side of the bed I was sleeping in and constantly honing in on me for cuddles. Emma made me feel so loved with every glance she gave me. Everytime I petted her, she immediately relaxed so much and just cuddled to her full delight. It was so healing to be around her. Emma will always see me as me. And that makes me happy.
In other news, a whole bunch of packages decided to arrive while I was gone. One of them included the aforementioned shirt. Another package held my first Miku figure and the Tiz pop up parade figure. I also received a package from South Korea containing HamHam PangPang merch! I got those acryl standees I wanted, and the seller also included a cute transparent card of Samjo in the green soup + a little cute summer artwork of Yan and Esther. I may not have gotten Yan as a guest, but seeing these cute goodies included made me really happy :)