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T-03-17

Waw

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23/05/24

It's been weird lately. Last week I finally told bf what's been on my mind. I came to realize that I haven't been entrusting those around me with my thoughts in a long while, even though it's been getting so cramped in my head. The way he reacted hurt to watch, because he cares so deeply. It makes me feel bad about how I treat myself. I don't have the same respect for myself as he does. I didn't talk much about what has been on my mind, just that it's been there, but that alone was enough already. I wouldn't say that everything got solved by this, but my shoulders feel a bit lighter since then. My heart still remains heavy, and I don't know what to do about it. But I've been working on alleviating it as much as I can.

I can't say it's been very successful, but I'm at least not that caught in a trap anymore. Though it feels like every day my brain is trying to find a new problem to get hung up on. It's tiring. It's constantly tearing its leash to another direction and I have to endure all these stupid thoughts that get way too much for me to handle. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I don't know where to. But I'm trying everything I can not to slip. 空が濁るときに見ていた、夜になろうとするばかり. どこにもいけない私をどうする?

So yeah. I've been trying to redirect my attention. But apart from above, the usual weights are on me. I'm getting sick of it, but what can you do. I'm trying to find new things to occupy myself with. I'm putting more energy into studying japanese. したいことが見つけられない, but I'll keep going. Lately ado and kenshi yonezu have been soothing my mind a lot. I appreciate their music. My bf is here and tending to me with all the care he can offer. My friends are there, they don't hate me. I know it. I just need to keep going.

07/05/24

Back to work after two weeks of resting. First week of recovery was really annoying due to not being able to properly eat. Second week I was completely fine, so I just used it to chill. Coming back to work well rested and well. Nothing was burning, I was able to take care of every remaining problem. It's neat, I suppose.

Depression is still a constant companion however. Idk. I don't feel good about myself. Everything is a trudge. I don't feel like things are ever gonna change, but what can you do. I'll see what tomorrow

24/04/24

I'm so fucking exhausted man. The surgery went well, and I was able to go home the very next day. But I'm beat. Shit hurts, it's uncomfortable, I can only eat liquids, my eyesight got impacted and even days later my face is still numb. It's tiring.

09/04/24

Seething, malding, hating. My medical procedure has finally started and it's awful. Got permanent braces to wear for the next year or so. Eating is hell, talking is stupid, everything sucks. I only got them yesterday and I'm already exhausted. People at the doctors all act so nonchalant, never explain anything and just do things. Then they give me the bill and go "so will you pay up?" and I have no idea wtf is waiting for me. I'm tired, man. I hate this. All of this is scary and annoying. I got a surgery next week and I barely know shit. Man. Idk. Things suck.

22/03/24

MAN, the Ado concert was nuts. I'm still buzzing from it. I feel like it's reenergized me a lot. I've fallen in love with her all over again. Been listening to her music up and down since I came back. Hope she comes back to europe asap.

Also, Dragons Dogma arrived yesterday a day early. It's been SOO much fun. Idek what to say. It's fun seeing the pawns chatter again and do their thing, trying to be helpful and high fiving me. I made Grendel into the player character as an archer. Rogue/Archer was my starting class in the original too, and just like back then I want to spec into magic archer. It's just as fun as I remember. Yubel I made into the pawn and gave her the straightforward personality. I think that captures her really nicely. It's cute seeing her excited about everything.

15/03/24

Woof, I'm tired... spent a weekend going abroad with my mother and playing tour guide for her in a city I've never really been to. She was happy and I'm spent. Today we're going to Düsseldorf for the Ado concert tomorrow. Another weekend spent on traveling. I'm looking forward to seeing Ado live, it's gonna be amazing! But I've been a bit exhausted still. I'm really, really tired every day. Partially due to probably not drinking enough water, but also because there hasn't been much to recoup and recover. Next saturday I should have a day to spend on napping. The day after I will once again be travelling.

In other news, yay new Limbus season teased! Looks pretty good. I don't care much for Heathcliff as a character, but all the recent Distortion Detective namedrops have me really excited. The Yield my Flesh event was also tons of fun. REALLY looking forward to new Mili.

25/02/24

Life continues on and I am here. Things are happening but a little bit too fast for me. It feels like everybody is giving me gentle pats on the back, like everybody is on something. Feels a bit odd and like I'm left out of the joke, but I can tell people care and I appreciate it. I just wish I was faster at getting better. Faster at not feeling like this. It's been months by now and not sure what to do except carry on. It is what it is, I suppose.

20/02/24

Weh... had a shitty visit to my new doctor and he told me with a chuckle that he didn't know what to do or how to help me with my depression. So I guess I'm on my own. Whatever. It is what it is.

It was my birthday last week and we went out for sukiyaki. I've never had it before so it was super exciting. I think this visit has really changed my opinion on mushrooms. I've always been an avid hater, still am. But shiitake are great. They taste amazing in hotpot and sukiyaki. The ambiente was nice and we got way too much food provided. I'd say I'm happy with that experience. Aside from that I didn't really do anything on my birthday. I'm mostly just trying to deal with life.

03/02/24

After the initial high of being written off, my feelings have been slowly calming down and going back into the basement. First couple of days were great, last couple of days have been filled with so much... anxiety? and depression? I got written off another week, but I'm not sure if that will be the key to getting better. I don't even really understand what is wrong with me. First half of a day will go okay and then gradually worsen. I just want to get back to the regular of things again.

Earlier this week I managed to grab idkhow tickets for summer. Which I'm happy with. But I also got hit with a couple of bills again and the month just barely started and I feel anxious about money matters again. Sigh. Next week we'll go to the Nier concert and meet a mutual of mine for the first time. I'm looking forward to it, but once again, feeling a lot of anxiety.

Honestly I just feel like I'm trying to traverse soup. I don't know what to do. I'll continue trying to make the best of it. Tomorrow we'll go out, on Monday I'll visit my mother. And then the concert. Much to do, I guess. Maybe that's good. Maybe getting busy will help.

28/01/24

Went to the doctor on friday. I should have done this way sooner tbh. I got written off for a full week and it's insane how much better I feel just from that. We had a long talk about how I've been botching the way I deal with my trauma triggers, and how my mishandling of it reflects on how I generally mishandle my depression. It sounds like I got blamed a lot, but he was very kind and it really opened my eyes. He asked how I deal with my triggers, I told him that I attempt as much exposure as possible. He followed up asking if I ever celebrate afterwards and I was stunned. I always follow up my exposure with blaming myself and self loathing. Never have I thought about celebrating and complimenting myself. He emphasized that everything I do, every tiny victory no matter how small, needs to be followed up with celebration so I can finally rewire my brain from the damage done by mental illness. He's right. I need to change my ways.

Doctor gave me two options on how to deal with my current depression: Either write me off, or medicine. I didn't want to take the medicinal option, I'm already on two medications (which work splendidly), it takes time to get used to them and isn't even guaranteed to work, and it feels like just putting band aid on a festering wound. So I took him up on his offer to write me off, and he noted how my demeanor immediately changed. I let out a loud sigh and I realized that my head immediately cleared up. He gave me the OK to use the week to just dick around, but be very conscious of how I go about it mentally. So that's what I will do with the upcoming week. I want to go to town, do things I've been wanting to do and be conscious on enjoying them. I already spent most of the weekend on things I don't usually allow myself to do: Nap, code all day long and be a slob. And I'm going to keep doing that.

Getting the doctors OK to only do what I want, but do it with gusto really helps a lot. I feel so guilt-free. Just doing things without any care on what my consciousness has to say on it. I'm really, really thankful for my doctor.

In worse news, end of the month rings in and so do money troubles lol. I hope I get paid on Monday (there's no reason I should!! but I really, REALLY need that paycheck tomorrow morning lol). I indulged earlier this month and ordered the Library of Ruina artbooks, and they arrived. They're gorgeous... I'm so happy I finally managed to grab them. They were WAY too expensive, and this is the last time I spend this much money on artbooks. Never again will I do that. I don't feel guilty because these artbooks were what I've wanted for so, so long. So once again, I am going to enjoy them guilt-free. Sidenote: I was surprised that customs were 0 on the books. Usually it's 19%, but looks like books are exempt from customs. I only had to pay their service fee.

They're so cool!!! They have a gorgeous glitter effect on the cover.

Bf also ordered my birthday gift early and I'm soooo so excited for it to arrive soon-ish. I'll post once it arrives :) I do need to start spending less on stuff tho. For real. It's getting out of hand.

22/01/24

Urgh, I feel like things just aren't getting better. I have days where I feel a bit more optimistic, and then a minor thing happens and I get a lot of intrusive thoughts all of a sudden. I've been contemplating self harm in various ways and the only thing keeping me away from it is the presence of my boyfriend. I don't know what's happening. I feel like I've been on a steady but slow decline over the recent years and now I'm at the point where it really dips. Everything is ruining my mood. I'm constantly exhausted. Getting up in the morning is becoming harder and harder. On top of that I was off handedly informed that my neurologist is changing, and I'm not getting an appointment anytime soon, despite me telling them that my mental health is on the decline. I try to soldier on, take my meds, do the best to keep myself sane. But I don't know. I'm hoping that all of this is just symptoms of seasonal depression and come spring I'll be back to normal. Until then I will just have to hold out.

Physical health has also become a topic for me and it's not helping on top of all of that. Scheduling appointment after appointment, getting chased between experts, decisions being made on which I am only half informed on. I'm a bit scared. Every time I think 'this is the appointment where I will finally fully clear the air and not stop until I understand everything', and then the appointment is over before I could ask any questions. I'm just tired. Really tired. I just returned from my holidays and I'm ready to just take the same amount of time off.

17/01/24

Man, the new year barely started and I already feel exhausted.... I have so many upcoming things... Two concerts (which im super excited for!! and includes meeting a beloved mutual for the first time!) and a trip to London, all in february and march already. Idk how it continues from there.

Vacation was great because I got to do a lot of things I haven't had the time for, like playing video games or reading. But I feel like that's also when my depression got even worse. Now that I'm back, it's muted in the background all the time. I'll have an appointment with my neurologist soon, I hope he can help me. Right, an another thing taking up so much time in the first half of the year: Starting a new treatment involving surgery and some (temporarily) life altering procedures. Sigh.... I want to go back to bed just thinking about all of this.

I've been trying to make room for more things to do after work besides just drawing. Bf got me this wonderful DIY diorama we've been assembling together in the evenings, and it's been great. It feels really good seeing how we slowly make progress putting it all together. It makes me wonder if I'd like to pursue dioramas more seriously as a hobby. But those always beg the question of space... Which I don't really have any of. The one BF got me doubles as a book stopper, so it's useful and takes up little space. I think I'll look a bit into the hobby and see what I can come up with.

I also want to work on clearing my gaming backlog more. Right now I'm playing Harvestella and it's been a blast. I've been loving the laid back JRPG feeling it has. But I also feel a little stuck at the moment. I'll try to continue and move past that. If possible, I'd like to play through as many video games as possible this year, while also not neglecting drawing after work.